The news came very suddenly.  

Throughout the Shanghai lockdown I had been in near daily phone conversations with my father who I hadn't actually seen since early 2020.  He was the one reinforcing my beliefs with his very accurate commentary of how ridiculous these white ghostbusters were walking around the compound and being the gatekeepers with garbage and food delivery.  One of the best things my Dad ever said during those conversations was, "Take your time before you make any more decisions.  What is happening now with the lockdown is all politics and it could change in an instant."

Way back in March of 2020, there were some very difficult life decisions I had to make while being stranded in Thailand.  One of them I had been mulling over was to go back to Canada and see him, so as to honor his wishes.  For whatever reason I did not.  I chose to run to China instead before they closed the border.  That is something I regret to this day.

Ever since China closed the border on March 28, 2020 it has not reopened.  Around early September of 2022 this year, just after school started, I got a phone call saying that my Dad had suffered a severe stroke.  Obviously I should go back to see him as soon as possible.  Every other family member did who was living abroad.  It was unlikely he would live more than a week at this point.  We're talking about a stroke that damages the cerebellum.

It was yet another one of those can't win decisions.  It's not like I was forbidden to leave China:  it was a simple matter of crossing the border and flying out with a transfer somewhere like Korea or Hong Kong.

It was flying back that would be be the major ordeal.  That would mean a myriad of consulate visits,  getting this document and that, and finding covid tests that no longer operate since the pandemic is finished all over the world except for fucking China.  Then if I managed to jump through all the hoops after weeks or months and paying an absolute fortune for return flights, I would then be awarded with a quarantine on arrival.

The best estimation is that I would be out of work for over 6 weeks and finding a way to teach online.  The company allowance for bereavement wouldn't be nearly enough to cover all the expenses and lost time.   They only give us a week which was in the pre-covid contract.

Since it was the beginning of the school year, if I left then they would have an easier time replacing my position from a teacher already in China rather than trying to hold my job.

So with that in mind I then thought why not just totally throw in the towel and use this as a chance to walk away from China permanently.   This was basically opportunity #100 in a multitude of others that had come along before, and yet one more I squandered by deciding to stay yet again. 

There were a million reasons why I didn't go and didn't see his funeral in late 2022.  Some of them were perfectly valid.  But that decision made me sick to my stomach and I once again regretted not leaving China.   As the grief went on over the loss of my father, this later turned into anger and resentment.

Over time, my anger slowly began to turn against the Chinese government for having started the global pandemic in the first place and for making this whole series of events and brutal life decisions a reality.  Granted I made mistakes for sure, mainly for keeping ties to China when I had every opportunity to quit. 

It began to be clear going forward that what happened was completely unforgivable.  Forget about the lockdown even, as bad as it was, the pandemic politics had permanently separated me from my father and prevented international travel.  

An exit plan from China absolutely had to be made from this point on and resolutely carried forth.  There would be no foolproof plan, and it would come with all sorts of risks, but that wouldn't be a reason not to have a plan.  What's more, there would also be no way or timing to be perfectly ready to leave and there would certainly be losses.  But we couldn't guarantee an endless set of opportunities to leave either.   At some point if I kept dragging my feet it would truly be too late.

So with that in mind I began to seek people out who would hold my feet to the fire, the kind of people who talk with brutal words and wouldn't be afraid to roast me if I started wobbling on the plan.

There was no more time for talk, action was needed.  Even so I was going to honor my Dad's last words and plan this very carefully over time.  Although of course if I needed to leave China in 24 hours then I still could pull it off.