First, set an alarm to wake you up so you can finish packing your bags to leave room for essential grocery purchases. Like chocolate and gummy bears.

Second, wake up long before your alarm and lie in the rather uncomfortable bed for awhile since you have nothing to do besides maybe catch up on the latest US news so you know what you’re going back to.

Third, decide to finally get up, wash up so you smell less awful, pack up your stuff including the still damp laundry that you probably shouldn’t have done last night, and head to checkout. 

Fourth, at checkout listen to the lady at reception rambling on about how busy she is and how she has to take her mask off to talk on the phone and then keeps forgetting to put it back on. Contemplate how this is possible given how long there has been a masking requirement in Germany. 

Fifth, take the shuttle to the airport and look for your checkin counter. Note that you are four hours early and there does not appear to be an open counter yet. Decide that now is as good a time as any to eat breakfast and buy grocery items. 

Sixth, go shopping while pushing a suitcase full of bicycle and two panniers through the aisles. See lots of things you’d like to bring back and note that you have roughly half a pannier of space to work with. Probably. Remember that you have not weighed your bicycle as currently packed and that you have no idea if you are actually under the 23kg limit. Buy too many things anyway. You can always quickly eat what doesn’t fit, right?  Sugar high on airplane always works out?

Which number are we on now?  Oh yes. Seventh. So, seventh, chaotically grab all your purchases and attempt to exit the store through the gate with the stop sign on it, the only gate that will fit your bicycle suitcase. Wait impatiently for someone to open it while an airport policeman points out that there is a stop sign. Inwardly do a pacepalm when the gate finally opens and releases you equally chaotically out of the Edeka grocery store.

Eighth, kneel awkwardly outside the store while you reorganize your bags to fit all those groceries, some of which you probably should not have purchased. Remember how much more expensive it is to purchase curry wurst seasoning at World Market in the US and congratulate yourself for buying six packets of something you probably could concoct from the contents of your spice cabinet.

Ninth, eat your breakfast and realize how heavy your carryon now is because of the grocery run. Reorganize all of your panniers again to put the heaviest items into your soon-to-be checked pannier. 

Tenth, proceed to checkin counter which is now theoretically open. Note the large line of people and existence of one solitary checkin person. Contemplate how badly you want to go to the bathroom after drinking a bottle of apfelschorle and a bottle of water at breakfast to moisten up the surprisingly heavy and dry roll and pastry. Also contemplate how far back in the line this would put you. Decide to tougher out. Continue to contemplate how long it will take this solitary person to check every single person on the plane in and wonder if they will at least provide more than one fight attendant and pilot. Reconsider the choice to use a budget airline. Note the speed of the line and your increasing urge to go to the bathroom. 

Note the existence now of a second person at checkin. Also note how much time he spends moving around trash cans. Wonder if he actually wants to be here and simply has a trash can obsession, or is just exceedingly orderly. Consider again how badly you need to use the bathroom and curse yourself for drinking two bottles of liquid refreshment at once. 

Step eleven, finally reach the checkin counter and deposit the bike. Note the at it is 1.6kg too heavy. Breath a sigh of relief when the checkin counter person says nothing about the weight. Debate with her whether or not you can checkin one of your panniers. Mention that it was encouraged in the US. After checking, breath another sigh of relief when she determines it is permitted. 

Step twelve (this involves way too many steps, doesn’t it), proceed to security. Scan your boarding pass and be informed by the machine that you must proceed to security D, not security B, because that is where your gate is. Decide now is a very good time to go to the bathroom. Once done, then proceed to the very long line for security D. Contemplate why Germans are so inefficient in this regard. There is a long line at security D whereas security B weren’t doing anything. Decide that Germans cannot be perfect about efficient in everything. Be thankful you already went to the bathroom. Also congratulate yourself for bringing something with for lunch when you see how long the line is at the one place offering food by gate D. Also be amused by the flight attendant who is strutting her stuff at your gate while looking extremely bored.

Step thirteen, wait for your flight. Note that it is 1:50, your flight departs at 2:05, and no one has been boarded yet. Inquire as to why this is and will the flight arrive on time. Be assured that it is no problem. They are simply finishing cleaning the plane. Wonder exactly how dirty this plane is if no one has boarded 15 minutes before departure. Try not to panic about the 45 minutes you have to switch flights in Iceland.

Step fourteen, kill time during the flight by reading a book because while your phone claims to be connected to wifi, it apparently is not and nothing comes up explaining why not. Be glad you downloaded a book because you also didn’t bring the right type of headphones to use in flight entertainment and Iceland Air charges for headphones unlike some airlines that provide them for free (clears throat and quietly mutters Delta....)

Step fifteen, land a few minutes late in Iceland because, well, you left München late. Shocking how that works out. Hightail it towards the D gate area because you see a sign indicating it takes 15 minutes and well, you still have to get through passport control. And then you discover the length of the passport control line and realize Iceland Air sends all their fights through at essentially the exact same time which means they’ve setup the perfect mass spreader covid event at passport control because no one is practicing social distancing. At all. Spend about 20-30 minutes in the line, have your passport scanned after having to remove your mask so they can see your whole face (hello, mass spreader potential here), and then proceed on to scanning your boarding pass which doesn’t work initially so you’re sent on to a special line where someone makes you take your mask off AGAIN while questioning you about your bags, how long you’ve been gone, where you’re going, did you ever leave your bags unattended, and a few more questions. Like hello, I’m in a hurry to make my flight. Shut up and let me through. After this second checkpoint rush to your gate which says the doors are closing and be requested YET AGAIN for your doggone passport at which point you exasperatedly proclaim that you are the same person you were at passport control (while inwardly pleading that they just let you on the doggone flight.) As you finally board the flight, declare this your least trip through Iceland because it’s way too stressful and no matter how much less their flights might cost, it’s just not worth it. Then realize you also have sworn off flying Condor because your bicycle got lost, and how annoying it is to fly delta because on the way back you get sent through Detroit where you have to collect your checked luggage and recheck it which also once resulted in a lost bicycle. Consider if traveling is even worth it anymore. Maybe there are nice places in the US for longer trips?  Also resolve that if Iceland air asks how your trip with them was, that you will have a lot of thoughts to share.

At this point I think we can forego any further steps and just finish this sorry tale. The second flight was mercilessly long. The time of day was not suited to sleeping and it took a good bit of the flight to relax after the airport debacle. I can only hope that this sorry story has a happy ending where I am reunited with my trusty bicycle and my adoring cats who may or may not still like me after being home alone a lot the last three weeks. 

How does this end?  Tune in later to find out.....

It ends with me arriving tired and grumpy in Minneapolis. My bike and pannier both survived and the bike suitcase looks fine. Someday I’ll unpack it and see if the contents are also fine, but not tonight. Tonight I am going to bed accompanied by two cats that are VERY happy to see me. 

Iceland Air just sent me a survey about my trip. They wanted to know if I would refer them to others. I gave them a zero. Then I told them how stressful changing planes and passport control in Iceland was and that I will never fly through there again. It’s vacation. Stress is what I’m trying to get away from when I take vacation