Over the last two weeks, a tragedy and some devastating news unfolded with the couple friend I visited on the last trip.  I had known his wife since high school, and the last trip was a chance to reconnect and help them out of a jam.  They had endured one nasty hardship after another and were finally looking to end all and start fresh.  I was there to help.

So imagine my shock when one week I see her posting a happy anniversary to her husband and wishing for many years together, then the next week she says they agreed to end their relationship.  The only caveat was there was no "agreement" - she cheated on him, found another guy through some handyman services app, moved in with him temporarily, then gave her husband an ultimatum:  pack your stuff and move out of our house in 24 hours.  Presumably she would move into that house with her new man.

Well so much for a fresh start.  I felt sorry for the husband, sick to my stomach, and a sense of loss.  Not only had I wasted my money on them (I didn't expect to get it back anyway) but the wife's attitude was deplorable.  She made a mockery of the so-called "fresh start" that she had earlier sold me on and basically threw my donation money down the toilet.    

I tried to hear it from both sides of the story, but only the husband wanted to talk to me.  We'll call him Jim.  As I heard more and more of what Jim had to say, I could either believe him or try to verify everything.  Seeing as I was now halfway across the world in China, there wasn't much I could do to prove the story.  And if he was lying about the whole thing, why would he?  With as much information as I could get, I decided to trust him then block the wife permanently and end all communication with her.

With that, the last trip now achieved the impossible:  not one, but two former high school friends I met with the relationships now severed.

It was apparent that Jim's wife was dead set on kicking him out of the house and resorting to slandering his name on social media.  I saw the proof in the videos she posted.  That was all I needed to block her with no questions asked.  She was gaslighting to the extreme.  Her intent was to spread false information about Jim to all of his social media contacts and isolate him in the process.  She would frame things to make it look like it was an abusive relationship and she was the victim, when in fact it was the opposite.  With feminism and the woke movement as it is today, of course people would take the woman's side.  She was exploiting that fully.

Jim burst out crying over the phone calls and said to me literally hundreds of times, "I'm so overwhelmed!  I don't know what to do!  It's not fair!  I loved her and she does this.  Why did this happen?  My anxiety!  My health!  I have all these health problems.  Nobody has any compassion for me!  I'll be on the street.  Everything is happening at once.  I don't like my thoughts."  He was indeed completely paralyzed with fear.  The situation got so bad, according to his story if it is to be believed, he even suffered a mild stroke.   Or maybe it was a condition related to the anxiety?

The messages went back and forth over at least a week.  I tried to tell him, "Jim, I believe your story!  This is absolutely insane.  She has no right to do this.  I'm on your side!   I have compassion!   But you have to understand brother, in this hyper-feminized society, the people she talks to are going to believe her over you.  She is also super persuasive, don't you realize?  She even conned me into thinking she wanted a fresh start and basically took nearly $1000 that I willingly donated and now fucking regret.  I'll have to take this loss.  So brother, I feel your pain, but you need to think with your brain here.  You're not safe in this house."

He went on to say, "I feel like I can't sleep here, I don't feel welcome at all.  Every friend of mine is picking me apart.  There is no compassion."

I said, "Well no shit you can't sleep.  Who could in a situation like yours?  Let me say this very clearly:  this is an emergency.  What is your plan?"

He simply didn't have one.  

I tried to supply a plan to him.  I said, "Brother, you're the one who has to act here.  All I can do is offer a 7-point plan that will at least get you on your feet and towards the next steps for what you can do and turn this whole shitshow around."

I then asked Jim, "Do you have $1000 saved for emergencies like this?"  

He did not.  This was hardly a surprise but it convinced me more than ever that if you don't have emergency funds or a plan then you really are truly fucked.  Just like he was.

Next I asked, "What if you had $1000, what's your plan?  Let's say for the sake of the argument I were to give you  $1000?  Yes really, I will do this if you can tell me what you're doing to do within 24 hours."

A week went by and he could not tell me a plan.

Every time I tried to push him on this, he just burt out crying and said, "I'm so overwhelmed!  My anxiety.  I don't know what to do!"

At first I was compassionate but I later lost my patience after the 100th sob message and said, "Fuck your anxiety man, stop feeling sorry for yourself, you have to do something.  This is an emergency.  Ironically for someone who has anxiety, you're not acting with a sense of urgency.  I have told you 7 steps in crystal clear detail on what you can do.  There is even $600 sitting in a Western Union that I sent you and it requires you to walk 4km to the nearest Walmart to pick it up.  While you're there, buy groceries, buy Uber cash cards, buy a card to get around on the public transit."

Another week went by and he didn't pick up the money which I could prove by tacking it from my app.  I asked him, "Brother, why has it been so long and you're not picking up the cash I sent you?"

He made up one excuse after another and what got me raging mad was, "I need someone to drive me there."

I told him, "Get a grip man!  I rode my bicycle there on my last trip and it took me 20 minutes.  It is 4km!  You could walk it just over an hour at a slow pace.  By you refusing to leave the house, it's almost like this is a covid lockdown and you're staying at home like we were forced to endure in  2022 in Shanghai"

Jim didn't pick up the money.  Instead he called the cops and had them talk to Anita and her new lover that they didn't have the legal right to kick Jim out of the house.  Then he had to go to the hospital for anxiety treatment.  Then he went back to the house.

I said, "Well Jim you have to do what you have to do.  You're the boss of your own life.  I'm just someone trying to help.  Clearly from what I can see you're not interested in the cash I sent you, and you're not treating this like an emergency.  All the cops did was buy you time.  I'm sure your wife will find a way to kick you out of the house eventually.  Not that I take her side, hell no, I blocked her.  But don't you see that you're going to have to move out?  This truly is an emergency and you have no plan nor do you understand the concept."

Truth be told I was harsh on Jim but there was a reason.  His inability to treat his mess as an emergency sent chills down my spine.  For at least a year, longer than that even, I had been touting my own "midlife crisis" of trying to leave China with a wife who is adamant on staying.  While it really is a crisis and an emergency if I don't act, it hardly appears that way to an outside observer.  My attitude towards this was somewhat cavalier, maybe not a perfect parallel to Jim's crisis, but there were echoes. 

I then realized the gravity of my situation.  If I didn't act, how would I be any better off than Jim?  I told the gist of the story to my friend at work.  We both agreed that Jim was truly the victim here but he still had the power within himself to get out of the situation.  All it required was for him to be proactive.

I told my friend, "The way I see it, this is a warning and a wakeup call."

My friend said, "YES!  It is!  This is for sure a warning.  I look at you and your situation and how your wife won't let you leave China.  Then I wonder, how I can avoid tripping over the metaphorical dumbbells on the ground that you tripped over? You know what to do my brother.  You have to act."