Into Saint Petersburg: I've seen this movie

September 12, 2013

I woke up early in order to try and get to my hostel and have some time to look around Saint Petersburg. Almost as soon as I started there began the most perfect of cycle paths - in the woods a little bit, segregated from the road. I expected it would only last a couple of kilometres but it went on and on. It was also a beautiful sunny day and I also passed by lovely seaside views. I had been expecting a nightmare road and was truly amazed how wonderful this was. So much so that I actually thought I was dreaming! I quite often have dreams that I am cycling on from where I camp, usually waking up in a panic because I have left my tent or something behind. So I had to pinch myself to believe that this bike path was real.

If it wasn't for the pile of discarded beer cans I could have been in Finland

I went through a really lovely park - these arrows showed the distance to different parts of the world

But I've cycled 5,000 kilometres! (that says Paris believe it or not)

After an incredible 35 kilometres, the bike path ended but now I was coming to the outskirts of Saint Petersburg and there were sidewalks that it is legal to cycle on (because the roads are so dangerous presumably). That meant that I was basically able to do the whole day without ever riding in traffic! The edges of the city were an absolute tower block jungle, but some of them were not without character:

Seems like the Soviet scientists got involved in building designs after the space program wound down

After seventy kilometres I made it to my hostel close to the centre. It was in an apartment block on the second floor. I went up the stairs and was greeted by a middle aged man who appeared to be from the seventies. I walked in and saw, behind the reception desk, the most beautiful girl in the world (played by Anna Kournikova and/or Maria Sharapova.) I introduced myself in English. Although the last thing anyone had said to me in English was "Who's driver?" I assumed that maybe the receptionist at a city hostel might know a bit, but alas she looked utterly confused and lost and her pretty blue eyes moved desperately to the older man for help. He, it seemed, was the owner and he looked a little annoyed with his Russian-speaking Russian assistant. The owner introduced himself as Victor and spoke some English. He, as I said, was from the seventies and will be perfectly played in the movie by Ron Burgundy. He showed me around the hostel which was also furnished with some rather interesting seventies decor and had a funny smell.

Amazingly Victor was also a cyclist and he had even ridden the route I had from Finland along the coast. I believe we may be the only two people in history to have done so. Victor checked me in and asked for payment of a rather ominous figure of 666 roubles. This was, or should have been, a sign to me. I was, after all, also staying in this creepy hostel on Friday the 13th. 'I've seen this movie' I thought to myself, getting annoyed because this film is supposed to be action adventure NOT some cheap horror flick. I decided that the most beautiful girl in the world, who was still sitting innocently behind the desk, must be an alien come to Earth disguised as the most beautiful girl in the world in order to try and kill me on this tacky seventies set. This explained very well why she could not speak. I checked her name badge. It said Юлия. This confirmed it.

The view from my hostel. A guy with a sledgehammer was smashing the plaster off the wall on the top floor of the building next door and they had to stop all the traffic, cars and pedestrians, while these big chunks of building rained down on the ground

I decided that the safest course of action would be to get out of the horror movie hostel so I went for a walk. First thing that I noticed was that my hostel was directly opposite a massive stadium. This was incredibly good news because ten years earlier my friend Daniel, who was taking a beginners Russian language course (for approximately two lessons,) had taught me how to say "Hello", "How are you?" and "Where's the stadium?" Exactly why this was the third phrase he was taught no one can really say, but everything happens for a reason, and the reason was now clear to me as I realised asking someone how to get back to my hostel was going to be easy. Understanding their answer was another matter.

My walk didn't take me too far, just to see some of the sights closest to my hostel. I had a full day to explore the city ahead and it was already getting late. That did mean I caught a nice sunset though.

A young couple sitting with a view across the river to the golden Cathedral of SS Peter and Paul

This is in fact a statue of the mad Viking man of the Norweigian mountains, commemorating the time he went on holiday and built the mother of all sand castles

Sunset over the Neva and a rare sight indeed - a cyclist

I wandered back to the hostel. This took much longer than it should have because of the extraordinary amount of traffic and the lack of safe pedestrian crossing places which meant I had to walk halfway across the city to find a place to cross the road and then walk back on the other side. Despite this I was able to find my way back without having to subject anyone to my rudimentary Russian phrase. Back at the hostel there were now a few other guests around. There were quite a few middle aged Russian women and in my dormitory a young guy from Kazakhstan, who looked and acted nothing like Borat, and another young guy. The second young guy, who we shall call 'Young Guy Two' for I had no hope of pronouncing any of their names, was from Dagestan which is that troubled region of Russia next to Georgia and Chechnya which my government is quite adamant I should not go to under any circumstances. He was quite keen to stress "I am from Dagestan, not Russia, Dagestan."

They were both really nice, but spoke only a few words of English, so our conversation largely consisted of establishing once and for all exactly where the stadium was. Once that was done, we then communicated by a combination of charades and pictionary. 'Young Guy Number One' was delighted to discover that I was planning to visit Kazakhstan. 'Young Guy Number Two' was dismayed to discover that I was not going to be visiting Dagestan. "My government says I'll die" I tried to explain.

After that I went to the kitchen to cook some pasta and Юлия, the most beautiful girl in the world was sitting shyly at a table, stroking her blonde hair, casting occasional glances in my direction. When I was having trouble working the stove she jumped up and came over to help, except she didn't know what to say and just stuttered and eventually simply said "Help?" It was adorable. I almost died. Falling in love with aliens is definitely not part of the script. I went to bed and lay awake swatting mosquitoes and listening to a Kazakh man snore. The clock struck twelve. It was Friday the 13th. Trouble was coming.

Today's ride: 73 km (45 miles)
Total: 5,462 km (3,392 miles)

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