December 26, 2013
Christmas in Lviv: Part Three: Get that dog out of here!
On Boxing Day Hanna and I went for a walk to a big park which was home to a museum of traditional Ukrainian architecture. All through the park there were old wooden buildings which had been brought here from all over the country. Almost as soon as we arrived at the park a lovely dog (played by Tramp from 'Lady and the Tramp') came bounding over to us to say hello. He jumped up and I grabbed him by his front paws and did a little dance with him and Hanna petted him and fussed over him. He was an implausably cute dog with one floppy ear and the other sticking up. At first we thought he belonged to someone else but it soon became apparant that he was a stray and he began to follow us as we started walking among the wooden buildings. As a bit of fun I named him Harvey (I've always wanted a pet dog called Harvey) and we encouraged him for a bit to come with us and explore the park.
We walked past a frozen lake and Harvey seemed to be trying to find water so we took him around to a corner of the lake which was unfrozen and he drank happily. Then he started digging eagerly amongst a pile of frozen ice pieces beside the lake and pulled something out. He put it on the ground and leaned down and started rubbing his neck against it. When he stopped we saw what it was - a small dead fish. This was the point at which we realised we had one weird-ass dog on our hands.
Then another stray appeared on the scene and the two eyed each other suspiciously for a while before approaching one another and having a good sniff.
"Woof woof, you've got an interesting smell there. What is it?"
"Eau de dead fish. I've just put it on. You should try some"
We watched them run around and chase each other. In Harvey's haste to escape he happily lunged from a bank above the lake onto the ice as Hanna and I held our breath but fortunately enough for everyone (I suppose I would have had to go in and get him) the ice did not break as the silly mutt ran around on it. We encouraged him off as we walked on and he continued to follow us.
"You can bring your new friend with you. Come on Charlie!" I called to the second stray. And so for a little while we had two pet dogs, although Charlie wasn't nearly as much fun as Harvey and soon left us.
We were throwing sticks for Harvey now and he was proving himself to be one of those dogs who doesn't quite get the concept of the return leg of fetch. Even so he seemed to be having a tremendous time and I was beginning to get a little concerned that he would follow us forever now. Although he was probably the best dog in the whole world, neither of us really had the capacity to keep him.
We decided to try and ignore Harvey for a bit and on the far side of the woods we came to a big ant hill. Because Hanna and I are both way cool and live wild and exciting lives we had recently watched a documentary about ants, and were therefore intrigued to look closer. But there were almost no ants on the hill, just three or four that were moving very slowly as if half asleep.
"Do ants hibernate?"
"I don't know, you never see them in winter."
"But they must still defend the colony. I bet if I poke it with a stick loads of soldier ants will come out and bite the stick."
So I started poking the big ant hill with a stick and we both watched to see if the soldier ants would come out and defend their colony in force, like they did in the documentary. Perhaps because he hadn't seen this documentary, or perhaps because he was suffering from a sudden lack of our attention, Harvey decided that a much better way to stimulate the soldier ants into action would be for him to leap on top of the ant hill and start digging at it.
"Stop it, get off you silly animal" we cried and pushed him off before he got himself attacked.
Now we really felt we had to get away from the dog before he became too attached and so we tried running away. When Harvey was distracted in the woods we ran as fast as we could down the path and for a moment it seemed we might be able to lose him. But then I looked back and saw him bounding after us, a tongue panting, ear flopping, bundle of love and energy. And he could certainly run a lot faster than we could.
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The next time he was distracted we tried creeping away from him. We tiptoed gently through the trees and hid behind some of the old buildings. It seemed to have worked but now we had to decide what to do next.
"Hanna, shall we go down there through those trees or would it be better to, oh, well, never mind, here he is!"
I wanted to keep the dog, I really did. He was utterly adorable and clearly wanted to stick with us. We hadn't even fed him, he just really wanted to be our dog. But the problem is, as you may have gathered by now, that I am cycling around the world. I have often imagined having a dog that would run alongside me and sit on a basket at the front when it got tired and it would be nice to have someone to keep me company and protect me from firework displays. But in reality it just wasn't practical. How could I cross borders with a dog that wasn't registered? How could I look after a dog when I could barely look after myself? And how could I stop this crazy canine from getting himself run over running along the road next to me? No, no, it was out of the question, he would be much better off running happily around this park forever more.
We were almost back at the entrance to the park. If we were going to lose him we had to do it quick. He was distracted again and we quickened our pace, moving briskly past a gang of three or four other stray dogs and towards the exit gate. I kept looking back nervously. It seemed like we were going to make it but then sure enough Harvey appeared, galavanting towards us eagerly. But the other strays started barking at him and blocked his path. I guessed they were saying something like "You can't go home with the humans Harv, you stay here and be one of the gang."
Poor Harvey, he was being bullied terribly. They wouldn't let him pass. We wanted to go and help him, but then he really would have been ours forever. Better to keep walking.
So we made it out of the park without a pet dog. It is a shame really, it would have been nice to keep him, he was such an adorable thing, filled with abundant happiness and sillyness. If ever I was going to have a dog, he is what I would want it to be. Still, it was impossible, and impossible for Hanna to take him home too. We were actually lucky those other dogs were there to stop him, and I was quite sure he would be quite happy staying in that park anyway. All's well that ends well.
We were a couple of streets away from the park when Hanna glanced behind us. I could tell immediately from her expression what she had seen, I didn't even need to look, but I did anyway. That tongue flailing wildly, those little legs firing like pistons, those eyes set to their goal, and that ear flippy-flopping around, oh yes, he was back.
Now we really had a problem. At the moment we were on quiet streets but soon we would reach the main road and given the fact that Harvey was already standing in the middle of a cross-roads we figured his road-sense probably wasn't up to the task of getting safely back to our cupboard. Nor did we have a leash, nor did I have the desire to try and pick up and carry a dog that I was quite sure I couldn't keep. Not that he would have fitted in our cupboard anyway.
What happened next, I am sorry to report, is the lowest and most evil thing that I have ever done. There was really nothing else for it now, I had to make it clear to the dog that he wasn't wanted. I took Hanna's scarf and started hitting poor Harvey and shouting at him to go back to the park. Oh, it was awful. He cowered and looked up at me with such sorrowful eyes, eyes filled with confusion and sadness. I wanted to cry, I felt dreadful. He slunk under a parked car away from my wicked blows, and then emerged from the other side running after us tail wagging again. He was one stupid dog.
Next we tried to escape him by going into a shop. This didn't work, he just waited for us outside and when someone else came in he ran in through the door towards us.
"Get that dog out of here!" cried the shop assistant.
"He's not ours!" we said, followed by "come on Harvey, lets go, good boy!"
Finally our prayers were answered. As we exited the shop another, rather attractive, dog wandered up (played by Lady from Lady and the Tramp) and suddenly Harvey lost all interest in us, the seditious fellow!
It was a good thing that we didn't have a dog to look after that evening for we had an appointment at the Geographical Faculty of the local University. Andriy, a former student here, had been so impressed by my absurd lifestyle that he had asked me to give a lecture here about my travels. It was the first time such a request had been made of me and I happily agreed. I had never really done any public speaking before but I am always keen to say yes and so I hastily prepared a few slides and turned up to present in front of the 'ten or fifteen' people Andriy had said would attend.
'Something must have been lost in translation there' I thought as the room filled up with more and more people. There must have been more like thirty by the time I began my presentation, although that quickly dwindled. I assume hope pray that these early exits were a result of an inability to understand the language that I was speaking in, not because of an inability to be entertained by my engaging, humerous and often heart-warming tales of a life on the bike. In any case, I actually rather enjoyed myself and was fortunate enough to receive a big round of applause, a shake of the hand from the Dean of the Faculty, and an overwhelming "you have changed many lives tonight!" from Andriy. Steady on there my friend, I'm not sure about that.
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