6: the quiet lady, lunch on the sidewalk, whopper, just navigating, Luis, joen the troll, grafitti

March 23, 2025

Florida City to Miami

Now that I'm out of the Keys, I just want to toss something out there for you to consider: why don't any of the Florida Keys have interesting names?

Although only about 43 are connected by bridges, there are 1,700 keys (depending on the tide - some are simply sandbars). One would expect there to be at least a couple of interesting names. If you google "interesting Florida Key names" you get Islamorada ("purple island" in Spanish - yawn), Key Largo ("large key" - double yawn), Marathon, Big Pine Key, and Key West... yawn, yawn, and yawn. I've come up with a few that should be the names of keys:
House Key
Lockand Key
Huss Key
Skeleton Key
Tur Key
Turn Key
Mon Key
Loo Key
Church Key
Joe Key
Coo Key
Car Key
Yuck Key
Am I missing any?

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Onward:

Today's ride was frustrating, and not likely to be of much interest to a reader, but I'll pass along the day's events.

Riding through a large city is somewhat difficult because you have to be continuously aware of traffic. Fortunately, there's a bike path that leads almost entirely from my hotel to downtown. UNfortunately, it isn't completed. Someday, it'll be a very nice bike path, but not until 2026.

The first half or so was mostly pleasant riding, although with a lot of starts and stops, and a headwind. There was a bike path, but all the cross streets had lights, resulting in having to stop every 2-5 minutes. Eventually, if there wasn't much traffic, I crossed without waiting for the light (not an admission of guilt, officer). I don't mind waiting, but all of the lights were ridiculously long.

At my first break, a woman of indeterminate age walked her bicycle over and sat a couple of seats over from me at the bus stop. There were plenty of vacant seats, but she selected one that was two seats over. She immediately began rocking in the manner of heroin users and people with mental health issues, and kept her gaze down. She appeared at least as shy as she was stoned. After a minute she stopped rocking, and just sat there quietly.

I finished peeling my orange and asked,
"Would you like some orange? It's a pretty good one."
Just a whispered, "Yes."

I was saving my second orange for a later break, but thought I might be able to give her a few more calories if I shared it. When it was peeled I offered her half and she smiled, then very quietly said, "No, thank you," so I finished it myself.

Her bicycle was really quite nice, so maybe not a heroin user, and maybe not even someone with a mental illness. She could just be shy.

The bike path had a lot of trash, and there were countless homeless shelters on the side... cardboard boxes for walls and ceiling, or tarps.

On the left, trash and homeless shelters. On the right, an endless line of strip malls. It just kept going and going and going and going and going for miles and miles and miles and miles. I saw the same stores repeated numerous times.

Also along the way, there were a lot of small iguanas. They looked like dead leaves from a distance, and I would only recognize them as iguanas when they started skittering away. This isn't a representative video because there were usually 3-4, and they started from the right and ran left, but it's the only one I have so far.

These are so a person can ride to the bus stop, then safely lock up their bike.

This is what the path looked like in the beginning.

This gentleman decided he wanted to have his lunch, which appeared to be a bag of Cheetohs and three beers, in the middle of the sidewalk.

When I got within about thirty feet, he started making a sound, softly at first, which crescendoed to an alarming volume by the time I passed him. It sounded like the letter "M" when you're saying "mmmMMM, mmmMMM, good!" Except the pitch kept going up and up until it was really distraught sounding.

To the left of where this picture was taken is the Palmetto Golf Course. Because of the juxtaposition, and out of curiosity, I looked up the cost of 18 holes and found that the green fee is $79.00.

Thus I entered Miami, the only major city in the US to have been founded by a woman, a town with a population of 455,924 within the city limits, and 6.18 million in the Greater Metropolitan area, and the city with more cruise ships than any port in the world, ferrying roughly over 6.8 million tourists annually.

What made my day so frustrating is the number of detour signs. I saw at least 25. It wasn't one long detour, it was many small sections. I'm posting a lot of pictures for you to skim but, really, they're all basically just detours in one form or another. These are what truly represent my day.

A detour took me here, the low point of my day. It was bumper-to-bumper, but an ambulance had just passed so it opened up some. I decided against riding on this section and backtracked to find a different route.

On the sections when the bike path was compete, it was really nice.

If you recall from my exploration day in Key West, I try to have whatever it is that was created/started/discovered in that location. In the case of Key West, it was Key Lime Pie.

Here in Miami, the very first Burger King restaurant opened in 1954. The original store was called “Insta-Burger King” because of the "Insta-Broiler," a machine that cooked burgers extremely fast, but the "Insta" was soon dropped.

In 1957, Burger King released its signature burger, the Whopper, which they still sell. At the time, a Whopper cost a whopping 37 cents, compared to Burger King's original burger, which cost 18 cents.

So, it's Whopper time.

You might ask, and reasonably so, "But Mark, you seem like a mildly intelligent person, at least a quarter of the time. Why would you do this to yourself?"

It's a good question, and one I asked myself. If I go to Portugal, will I get a lobotomy where the first one was performed? If I travel to Africa, will I get an enema?

(And by the way, when I typed in the beginning of my question into google: "when was the enema..." one of the autofill possibilities was "when was the golden age of enemas." I'm not going down that rabbit hole with you, nor am I going to admit I clicked on it, but it was in the 17th century.)

The answer to why is: My middle name is Danger.

Within seconds of the first bite, I feel the saturated fats and trans fats coursing through my arteries, until they get stuck. I sense the tendrils of the 27-syllable ingredients lovingly reaching around my motor and sensory neurons, slipping past the blood-brain barrier and caressing my frontal cortex, eventually separating it from the rest of my brain.

I feel strange...

Why am I riding this stupid bike?? I'm gonna buy a giant truck with testicles hanging from the trailer hitch. I want to talk football, and... hoo whee! Check out that chick that just walked up to the counter!

I feel so different...

I feel...... strong. .

I.......

I...... feel..... smart.

I AM smart! .

How bout them Cowboys? They kicked some ass last night. Woulda won too but them idjit refs don't know theys ass form a whole inna ground.

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The Museum of Ice Cream is only a block and a half off route, and I was very, very tempted to spend half a day there, mainly because it’s all-you-can-eat ice cream. There are other attractions as well, including The Sprinkle Pool and The Banana Jungle. “Sprinkles” are simply toppings for ice cream, and The Sprinkle Room has thousands of them in a giant pool. However, once I realized they’re made of plastic and not edible it became much less appealing. That, and the fact that dozens of tots will be crawling around in it made me wonder if it should be renamed “The Tinkle Pool.”

The Banana Jungle, a “colorful, tropical-themed room filled with hanging bananas and vibrant decorations” seemed reminiscent of a Willy Wonka movie in which you could pick perfectly-ripened bananas off the trees and eat them, but apparently they're made of plastic. I suppose you still could.

The final two nails in the coffin are (1) the cost ($40.00 for reservations or $59 for anytime), and (2) it might seem a little weird that a grown man is wandering around alone in a place filled with a bunch of kids, even without my trench coat. I can buy a LOT of ice cream for forty bucks.

By the end of my riding day I found that I hadn't really seen much on my bike. My energy was spent focusing on navigation, and not getting crushed by large pieces of metal with wheels. It's what one should expect when traveling through a large city, but even so there was a stark difference in the latter half of yesterday's ride and today's ride. Once completed, the Underline bike path will be very nice, but it's not close to being completed yet.

Upon checking into my hotel, I found I had just enough daylight to make it to one of the main Points of Interest I want to see on this trip: a Thomas Dambo sculpture. I called up an Uber and Luis picked me up. He was, I believe, the liveliest conversationalist I've ever met as a passenger. In fact, the conversation was so interactive that he didn't let any minor issues like, say for example, taking the correct turns get in the way, and it took 45 minutes for the 15-minute trip.

Thomas Dambo is a "recycle art activist" from Denmark. According to his website he's "on a mission to save the world from drowning trash" by recycling local, discarded materials to build whimsical, giant trolls all over the world. Seeing Joen and the Giant Beatle here in Miami (his other two pieces have been dismantled) is one of the top of the things I want to see on this trip, even more than Charles Manson's sweatpants. There are currently only 10 of his sculptures in the US.

You should REALLY check out his website to see some amazing art: Thomas Dambo

As we were going through Wynwood, where Joen lives, there were dozens of murals, on fences, on buildings, on walls. Not just the kind you see on trains, but colors splashed in creative and artistic ways to make a point, to say "This is who I am," and "We need to pay attention to this issue," and sometimes "Here's a whimsical picture." I wish I'd thought to take a picture of some of it but I was too caught up in the moment. Google "Wynwood graffiti" then click on Images instead of All and see what comes up. You will be impressed.

Luis, the Uber driver, who made the 45-minute trip seem like 15.

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Don't forget to look at Dambo's website, and the images from Wynwood.

Today's ride: 31 miles (50 km)
Total: 175 miles (282 km)

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Cat LloydOther Keys: Joc key, Don key, Doohic key
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3 weeks ago

Bob DistelbergI haven’t had a Whopper in years, but I remember that they’re ridiculously delicious. Food engineering at its best.
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3 weeks ago

Cat LloydThose Bubba teeth rock!
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3 weeks ago

Wanda JenningsI can't believe you're my brother! I luv ya but ewe be crazy ma'an. 😂🤣😂

So did you immediately gain 50 lbs from that burger too? 🤭

I do Love to read your blogs!!! On to the next adventure and bring on the blogs! 😁
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3 weeks ago