During my writing of this journal, I went through literally thousands of quotes. Mind you, it wasn't a chore; I enjoyed every minute of it. Unfortunately, I couldn't squeeze all of the good ones into the journal so, for your reading entertainment, I've collected them here.

Enjoy.

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"My grief counselor died the other day, but he was so good I didn’t give a shit."         
- Anonymous -

"How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg?
Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg."
- Abraham Lincoln -

"Efficiency is just intelligent laziness."  
- David Dunham -

"When I applied for a library card in New York City the clerk said I had to prove I was a resident, so I stabbed him."
- Emo Philips -

"Worry is a misuse of the imagination."
- unknown -

"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
- Carrie Fisher -

"The practice of medicine today is so specialized that each doctor is a healer of one disease and no more."
- Herodotus  (circa 430 BC ) –

“Always” and “Never” are the two words you should always remember never to say."
- Unknown -

"I asked my mother if I was adopted and she said, 'Not yet, but we've placed an ad.'"
- Dana Snow –

"Seven out of ten people suffer from hemorrhoids. Do the other three enjoy them?"
-Sal Davino-

"A smart person knows what to say. A wise person knows whether or not to say it."
- Unknown -

"A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore talks to you about himself, and a brilliant conversationalist talks to you about you."
- Lisa Kirk -

"They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now."
- Steve Altman -

"If you laid all the smokers end to end around the world, 67 percent of them would drown."
- Steve Altman -

"Humility is always something I've prided myself on."
- NFL quarterback Bernie Kosar -

"Never be ashamed of a scar. It only proves you're stronger than whatever it is that tried to hurt you."  
- Unknown -

"Instead of John, I call my bathroom Jim. It sounds better when I say I went to the Jim first thing in the morning."
- Anonymous -

"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."
- Rita Rudner -

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
- Margaret Mead -

"TV is chewing gum for the eyes."
- Frank Lloyd Wright -

"Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say, 'I know it's hard. You're going to be okay. Here's a coffee. And 5 million dollars.'"
- Unknown -

"Why are my arms so weak? It’s like I did that push-up last year for nothing!" 
- Tina Fey -

"If you trust in yourself, and believe in your dreams, and follow your star.... you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy."
- Terry Pratchett (A Hat Full of Sky) -

"I just watched my dog chase its tail for five minutes and thought, 'Dogs are easily entertained.' Then I realized, “I just watched my dog chase its tail for five minutes.'”
- Anonymous -

"There’s no such thing as bad weather. Just inappropriate clothing."  
- Unknown -

 "The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them."
-Mark Twain-

 "When choosing a move, the opinion of a dumb friend is better than the opinion of a smart critic."
-George Leonard-

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
- Demetri Martin -

"When I get a little money, I buy books; if any is left over, I buy food and clothing."
- Erasmus (1466-1536) -

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
-Jack Handey-

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
-unknown-

"If you think your boss is stupid, remember:  You wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter."
-John Gotti, American mobster-

"I have a set of motivational tapes, but I never feel like watching them."
-Daniel Liebert-

"Drawing on my fine command of the British language, I said nothing."
-Robert Benchley, American Humorist and Writer-

"At tax time, gather those receipts, get out the tax forms, sharpen your pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
-Dave Barry-

"My computer beats me at chess, but is no match for me in kickboxing."
-Emo Philips-

"I come from a small town where the population never changes. Every time a woman gets pregnant, someone leaves town."
-Michael Pritchard-

"We only use 10 percent of our brains. Think what we could do if we used the other 60 percent."
-Ellen DeGeneres-

"A concrete truck has collided with a prison van. Motorists should watch for hardened criminals."
-Ronnie Corbett-

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
-Douglas Adams-

"My worst job was selling phones over the phone. I'd call people, and if they answered I'd hang up because they already had one."
-Reno Goodale-

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."
- Joan Rivers -

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
-Douglas Adams-

"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
- Buddy Hackett -

"I often put boiling water in the freezer, then whenever I want boiling water, I simply defrost it."
-Gracie Allen-

"Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves."
-Abraham Lincoln-

"I don't like that man. I must get to know him better."
-Abraham Lincoln-

"My friend gave me his EpiPen while he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it."
-anonymous-

“People do not seem to realise that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.”        
-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

“It is easier to fool someone than to convince them they've been fooled.”
-Mark Twain-

“If we don't discipline ourselves, the world will do it for us.”
-William Feather-

"With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion."
-Steven Weinberg-

"I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road." 
-Stephen Hawking-

"Courage is knowing it might hurt and doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same. And that’s why life is hard." 
-Jeremy Goldberg-

"My girlfriend got a bad haircut and cried for two hours. I said, 'What are you crying about? It's only a haircut. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.'"    
-Anthony Jeselnik-

"Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin is the best."
-Jasper Carrott-

"Good health is the slowest rate at which you can die."
-Unknown-

"The unspoken word never does harm."
-Kossuth, Hungarian lawyer and politician-

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting a bull not to charge you because you are a vegetarian."
-Dennis Wholey-

"The cost of living's dying, so have it spent before you get the bill."
-Clint Black-

"There's something wrong with my eyesight. I can't see going to work."
-Teddy Bergeron-

"Inspiration is a guest that does not willingly visit the lazy."
-Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky-

"A day of worry is more exhausting than a week of work.
-John Lubbock-

"Thinking of you is a poison I drink often."
-Atticus-

"Wisdom is like frequent-flyer miles and scar tissue; if it does accumulate, it happens by accident while you’re trying to do something else."
-Barbara Kingsolver-

"I drink coffee to be more productive. But I drink it over an hour while I procrastinate."
-anonymous –

"No one can claim they're good at finding a spouse. They've either only done it once, or they're not very good at it."
-anonymous-

"There's a big difference between someone who talks to you in their free time, and, someone who frees their time to talk to you. Never confuse the two."
-anonymous -

"The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you're made of, not the circumstances."
-unknown-

"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
-Plato-

“The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person who is doing it.”
-Chinese Proverb-

“A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears.”
-Michel de Montaigne-

"Some people are so poor, all they have is money."
-Jack Kerouac-

"I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it."
-Bill Gates-

"I went to the doctor today and he said to me, 'Don’t eat anything fatty.' I said, 'What, no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?' He said, 'No fatty, just don’t eat anything.'”
-Tommy Cooper-

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man."
-George Bernard Shaw-

"Perfect does not need to be the enemy of good."
-Voltaire-

 The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors:
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is. 

"The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts the sails."
-William Arthur Ward-

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
-Abraham Lincoln-

"Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment."   
-Will Rogers-

I was sitting in a restaurant waiting to order when I heard, "Does anyone know CPR?"
I said, "I know the whole alphabet!"
We all laughed and laughed and laughed....   
Except that one guy. 
-unknown-

"People who shun scientific methods to increase their health and lifespan in favor of ancient and traditional (nonscientific) methods are basically placing their trust in people who had a life expectancy of 45 years."
-Neil deGrasse Tyson-

"People don't care about how much you know until they know about how much you care."
-John C. Maxwell-

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less."
-C. S. Lewis-

“If you try, you risk failure. If you don't, you ensure it."
-anonymous-

"When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind."
-R. J. Palacio-

"A good leader takes a little more than his share of the blame, and a little less than his share of the credit." 
-Arnold Glasow-

"I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met."
-Steven Wright-

"Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.”
-Isaac Newton-

"Do not set yourself on fire in order to keep others warm."
-anonymous-

“My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate then burn them. Did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.”
-unknown-

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it."
-Sam Levenson-

"Pain in inevitable. Suffering is optional."
-Haruki Murakami-

 "If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it, then how bad of a decision can it really be?"
-unknown-

“Complaining about a problem without posing a solution is called whining.”–Teddy Roosevelt

"Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it."
-anonymous-

"I took the batteries out of the carbon dioxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy."
-anonymous-

"I can get almost anything off Amazon delivered in less than 36 hours but apparently my mechanic has to wait two weeks for a common car part."
-Mark Hoppus-

"My wife and I don’t sleep together, we don’t eat together, we don’t even speak to each other…  we’re doing everything we can to save our marriage!"
-Rodney Dangerfield-

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein."
-Former quarterback Joe Theismann-