Disclaimer: Don't get me wrong. I don't have anything against hunting. Some of my best friends hunt. Tim hunts, right Tim? And my brother hunts. It's just that I have never been in a gun shop; it was like a different world. It all started innocently enough...

I decided to buy a SPOT GPS locate-r. Not so much so people can track my every move, but more because it IS a good safety device. But where to buy?

My preference, of course, would be REI. Forget about the fact that it's fully dividend-able, which I don't need to tell you it is, but I can always find SOMETHING else to buy at REI if I look hard enough, or even if I don't look hard at all. But the nearest REI is 35 minutes away, and a $4.00 bridge toll on top of it. So I HUNTed for someplace closer to buy my new toy, and low and behold, HUNTed was the perfect word, because I ended up at the local gun store right down the street from my house. Now don't get me wrong, they sell fishing supplies too, but guns are where it's at, baby!

I was SOOO excited! What delights lay ahead?! It started in the parking lot, were 75% of the vehicles were big pick up trucks--you know, the kind with drivers that always say colorful things to cyclists as they drive by.

Once inside, I stopped at the sunglasses rack. I liked the glasses in the first rack but decided they were not for me, what with the skull and crossbones on each and every one of them. Instead, I settled on the ones that had a trout label explaining the advantages of polarized lenses to fisherman.

After my first exciting purchase it was time to browse...

I liked the night lights with figurines of hunting dogs with dead ducks in their mouths; and the Labrador retriever toilet paper rolls were classy, but I held off, thinking that if I managed my purchase dollars I might be able to afford one of the scores of stuffed animal heads lining the walls. The stuffed polar bear would have been nice too--I mean, how often do you come face to face with an endangered species?--but it wasn't for sale. (sigh) So, I continued with my shopping...

Plastic ducks with spinning wings? No. Deer Candy dish? No. A moose wine bottle holder? No. A chair on a stick? No. Row upon row of shotgun shells? No. Though that was a nice learning experience; who knew you had a choice between leaded and unleaded bullets?

The camouflage clothing was cool, and it looked warm for riding, but I decided that camouflage might not be the best choice for a cyclist, especially if there is chance I will be riding on forested roads, or even on non-forested road, though I would make less of a target that way.

I couldn't decide, so I made my way upstairs--to where the GUNS were! Gun after gun after gun did I see, I'm just glad none were pointed at me...

"May I help you?" asked the nice gentleman. I considered answering with, "Yeah, I want a gun that can spry a lot of bullets with one pull of the trigger", but I resisted and instead said, merrily, "WOW, that's a lotta guns!" To which I received a stare that may have been annoyance, but more likely perplexity? It was an awkward moment for us both so I got down to business, "I called earlier, you have the SPOT locate-r devices." "Uh, yeah," he said, "I think they are over here, we don't sell too many of those...".

I then heard all about another salesman's mother, and how she has a SPOT in case "she needs me to come help her."
"Like if she needs you to open a ketchup bottle or something?" I asked.
"Yeah, there is button for that, but she can also push the SOS if she falls or something. You know you have to spend $99 on a subscription for that, right?"
"Eer, yes, I know," I said, and made my way to the check out counter.

But the fun didn't stop there. While the clerk searched for the right SKU I observed a big jar of SOMEthing that said, "Guess How Many Are In The Jar?"
"What are those?" I asked.
"22 shells," he answered.
"What do you get if you win?" I asked.
"Uhh," he said, as if I were an idiot. "You get all of the shells."
"Oh."

All good things must come to an end and my trip to the gun store was no different. As I walked out the door I thought it might be fun to yell, "How 'bout that Cheney, huh? Now THERE is a good shot!?" or, "If you all drove a Prius instead of a pick up we really COULD share the road! Long live cyclists!" But then I remembered, they all have guns!

I left quietly.

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