My Sixth Unprofessional Bike Touring Wine Review
For all of my previous wine reviews I've been able to purchase a wine that was produced very locally--even in such unlikely places as North Dakota and Mississippi. This year, however, it looks like I'm going to have to settle for something from a fancy California winery. The Safeway grocery store in Lake Havasu City had an acceptable wine selection, but it didn't have one single Arizona wine. "Can't they squeeze a grape out of the desert," I wondered?
That's alright though, because California is just across the river from where I'm sitting. I could almost throw a rock to California from here, so I guess that's local enough.
Back to this morning: As I walked up and down Safeway's two wine aisles, reading labels and studying varietals, one name stood out above all the others: COPPOLA! Yes, THAT Coppola, Francis Ford Coppola, the great director of The Godfather films and Apocalypse Now! The dude can produce and direct movies--his Academy Awards prove that--but can he distill grapes into a wine that will satisfy my unsophisticated palate? And will I be able to judge his wine impartially, given the fact that I am a big fan of his work? We are about to find out.
The selection for this evening's wine tasting is Coppola's Diamond Collection 2015 Pinot Grigio. For this evaluation, G-2 and I will chug sip it in the comfort of our elegant cabana.
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The first thing I noticed was the quality of the cork. It was perfectly engineered to be removed by the simple placement of the bottle between my knees and couple of forceful yanks on my Swiss Army Knife's corkscrew. THWOP! Great sound, Francis Ford.
The real fun began when when the cork was extracted and the aroma started wafting from the mouth of the green bottle. It smelled like . . . VICTORY. Maybe not as victorious as the smell of napalm in the morning, eh Francis, but it clearly had a winning scent.
It's a dry wine. Dry as dust. Dry as the rocks and sand of the Mojave Desert. Considering the dryness all around me, I probably should have been a more savvy shopper and saved myself $10 on a nice, sugary wine.
Look, I don't know a Grigio from a Noir, except that one of those pinots is white and the other one is red. In general, I prefer white wines because they're more refreshing. Francis Ford's wine was stupendously refreshing. It provided a mind-numbing warmth on a cool desert evening--an intoxicating lift into the fifth ring of wine paradisio. It's a white that has the rare versatility to be successfully paired with a can of Hormel Chili. Better yet, don't eat anything at all. Just down the whole bottle without food, and then start in on another one. You can always eat the next day. I'd recommend a breakfast of a pound of bacon, three eggs fried in the bacon fat, and six aspirins.
That leaves one last question: Was it a tasty wine? I'm going to have to say, "not really." I'm sorry, Francis, because I really WANTED to like your Grigio stuff. On the plus side, it was better than waking up with a horse's head in your bed. Or getting strangled by Abe Vigoda. Or getting a lecture on the atrocities of war from Col. Kurtz. Or going on a one-way fishing trip like Michael Corleone's brother, Fredo.
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