A Few Topics That Must Be Addressed Before The Ersatz Cowboy Starts Lassoin' the Wild West

March 14, 2025

Topic #1: Writin' a Journal Cowboy-Style

I'll be ridin' real soon folks. Ain't no doubt about it now. I'm thinkin' about transportation that will transport me to Kansas, I'm tentatively routin' a tentative route, Son of Bing Bong is tuned-in after a tune-up, my alter-ego's big ego is bigger than his ego has ever been, my long-distance cyclin' gear is ready for long-distance cyclin', and I can't wait to tell you how much I can't wait to get started. [1]

Generally speakin', us cowboys are men of few words. We're men of contemplation and we ain't interested in speechifyin' every goll-dang thing we contemplate about. We'd rather spend our time campin', eatin', peein' on the prairie, movin' around from this place to that place, and starin' off into space. In that regard, we are much like the cows we tend. [2]

Like REAL cowboys, I don't talk much. But then, I'm only an ERSATZ cowboy. Put me in front of a keyboard or notebook, throw in an imperial IPA, and I'll start scribblin' whatever ideas come into my head. This page is a fine example of that. The good news for you is that when the tour actually starts, I'll try my best to keep my mealy-mouthed wordsmithery to a minimum. [3]

Topic #2: I Got Goals

As always, the goal of this journal isn't to TEACH anybody about anythin'. Nor is the goal of the tour itself to really LEARN anythin', though learnin' somethin' is certainly a possible outcome. My main goals are to have fun and to escape a land of cold weather and view-blockers[4] in favor of a land of sunshine and expansive views.

For this tour, I have two additional goals. The first one is to make friends with as many cows as possible.[5] The second one is to experience a couple of excitin' Great Plains thunderstorms. I'm not a professional storm chaser or anythin', but I do like a good display of lightnin', thunder, rain, and wind. Such storms are best enjoyed while in a tent. I'd also like to see a tornado--from a distance of course.[6] However, should I see a twister up close while on the road, I have a plan to deal with that. It involves divin' into a ditch, shieldin' myself from the hail by coverin' myself with my sleepin' pad, and clutchin' onto a fencepost for dear life.

I'm thinkin' my chances of seeing a tornado are heightened by the fact that Kansas is located smack dab in the middle of what is known as "Tornado Alley." I learned about tornado alley while growin' up in Iowa. I felt relatively safe in Iowa because it was only on the northeast fringe of Tornado Alley. At least I felt that way up until the time I saw what a tornado did to a town not too far from where I lived.[7]

Tornado Alley might be right up my alley.

G-2 survived a tornado once. If he can do it, I can.

Topic #3: Today's Trainin' Ride

My ride wasn't so much about getting in shape for the rigors of bike tourin'. I ain't worried about that cuz I ride all the time. I must say though, that I probably don't ride enough in the winter months. I only ride for an hour or so because I face the same sub-zero (F) ridin' conditions that Mark Bingham wrote about in his journal yesterday. In Kansas, I'll have to ride more than an hour per day if I want to get anywhere.

AHA! Today I finally got to ride out into the countryside for a couple extra hours. It was a record-settin' 75 degrees ABOVE zero here in Minnesota, and I enjoyed the warmth immensely. I didn't have to wear long underwear, a hooded sweatshirt topped by a hooded parka, or two layers of socks. Nope, I got to wear biking shorts for the first time since November.

So, if not tryin' to get in shape, what DID I train for? Well, I needed to get better at spottin' cows from afar and takin' pictures of 'em. Here are the results of my efforts.

My phone doesn't have the greatest zoomin' abilities, but it was good enough to get this photo from 200 yards away.

This one was from at least 300 yards away.

This cow picture was taken from only 100 yards away.

Somethin' seems wrong about housing baby cows in space capsules.

On such a nice day, I enjoyed getting back to some rolling hills and gravel.

After my ride, I think I saw a hint of suntan on my legs.

***Footnotes***

[1] This sentence reminds me of the tricks I used in my college days. When a professor required a 1,000-word paper on a particular subject, I was proud of my ability to meet that requirement by adding a multitude of unneccesary words. It's nice to see I still have that skill. Back then, I believed I was pullin' the wool over the instructors' eyes but, now I'm pretty sure they saw right through my ruse.

[2] We not only tend cows, but we tend to admire them too.

[3] If there are any professional journal editors out there, I'm taking applications.

[4] View-blockers = Trees

[5] The early bettin' line is already in. Las Vegas oddsmakers have set the over/under at 120 for cow photos in this journal.

[6] Dorothy Gale saw one up close while riding her bike, and you know what happened to her.

[7] The over/under on tornadoes is 2. Place your bets now.

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Bill ShaneyfeltFantastic day here in Dayton too! Rode wearing Teva sandals and a short sleeves shirt, but wore long pants since I was going fishing and prefer not to scratch legs... Mostly sunny, strong south wind and I ended up catching 7 bluegills large enough to take home, where they are now resting, repurposed as fillets in the fridge. About half a mile away from home, my derailleur snapped off and jammed into my spokes... Glad that didn't happen about a hundred yards back as I was hammering to cross a busy street between the mercilessly heavy traffic... I'd have likely been history!

Looking forward to your adventure!
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2 weeks ago

Keith KleinHi,
I spent a year in Kansas way back when, and for lovers of wide open spaces, I’d say it’s perfect. Two things I would caution against: snakes and tornadoes. Be careful where you pitch the tent. Rattlers like tall grass, and near a river and you risk encountering a water moccasin. I’ll bet you can figure out how I know that. I’ve been through four tornadoes in my life. The first one was more than enough. I spent three days in a barn because all the roads were blocked by fallen trees and downed power lines. That was in Ohio when I was home from college for the summer. Fortunately, we had enough beer to see us through. The others here were in Minnesota, twice when I lived in Minneapolis and once after we moved to New Prague. In the first of those, I lost my chimney, four mature trees, and part of the porch roof. The second was a bit further away, but the sight of a door and a roof flying past the windows were enough to send us to the basement. The New Prague tornado all but leveled St. Peter, and sent grain silos spinning down the road while I was driving home from Mankato. And people ask me why I moved to Europe. They might look cool on the evening news, but up close tornadoes are no joke. If I never see another one, I won’t miss them. While I was in Kansas, I didn’t see a one, thankfully. I sincerely hope you don’t either.
Other than that, have a great tour. Yee-haw!
Cheers
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2 weeks ago

Gregory GarceauTo Bill ShaneyfeltCongratulations on your fishing success. In my opinion, bluegill is among the tastiest of fish.
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2 weeks ago

Gregory GarceauTo Keith KleinAfter reading your firsthand descriptions, I'm not so sure I want to see a tornado anymore--not even from afar. Also, thank you for the warnin' about snakes. I didn't even think about that danger.
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2 weeks ago

Bill ShaneyfeltTo Gregory GarceauYup, Bluegills are my target! Best eating, (and usually easiest to catch) but a lot of work to clean.

By the way, if you Google search water moccasin (cottonmouth) range map, you will find that in Kansas the ones the locals call water moccasins are merely (very similar looking) northern water snakes. (I wanted to be a Herpetologist, but life got in the way)

I heartily agree with Keith. Tornados are all nasty! I have seen 2 and been within a couple miles of a few others, the most recent in 2019. In 1974, a big one blew through Richmond, KY and killed 4. Same day, Xenia, OH got nearly wiped off the map by another big one.
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2 weeks ago