Brutal, cheap, calamitous and red hot. I'm talking about having my broken Brooks saddle welded back together after it snapped. More about that episode shortly.

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As for tropical Burma, it's long been rightly condemned and ostracized for its corrupt and tyrannical regime; a perfect example of a country where impoverished citizens bear the brunt of a nasty military dictatorship's callous greed.

Some argue not to visit, urging that tourism dollars only benefit the junta, but my mission is to go and spend spend spend as much with locals as possible - while making sure the absolute minimum finds its way into the pockets of the country's good-for-nothing government. Armed with a fat stash of Burmese kyat and a bundle of US dollars, I aim to get off the beaten path, and blow the lot. I've got a month to do it.