Back in May, the detectives involved in the Incident told me that if I left Haikou or if I spent the night anywhere other than my apartment, I had to tell them. Since they were accepting that I legitimately had no fucking clue I was going to receive in the mail what it was I received in the mail, and letting me go to my apartment rather than being deported or sent to jail, I figured sending an occasional "yes, I'm still following your instructions" message was no skin off my back.

(Despite my laptop, browser history, phone, social media, banking records, apartment, and interrogation having no evidence to indicate that I knew I was going to get that package or that I have any interest in the sorts of things that were in that package, it can't be denied that it was addressed to me or that I signed for it.)

By the time I went to Beijing to start this trip at the end of August, my text messages were mostly being ignored. Or, if not ignored, not responded to. It's not like you can tell with a text message whether or not it's been read. As long as I don't have any new information about what happened or why, it stands to reason they have far more important things to do involving uncooperative people who actually are criminals. 

When I got to Beijing, he responded to my message to ask me when I'd be back in Hainan. I told him. I also asked if I needed to keep reporting in. My question went unanswered and the response I got was just "have a nice trip". I meant to ask again after I'd been on the road for a month but I'd sort of hoped that I wouldn't have to ask. I'd hoped that after a month of nightly updates I'd have already gotten a message telling me they no longer cared what I was up to. 

So I never asked. And although I feel kind of obsessive and weird about sending someone 70 messages with no response, I figure, if he wanted me to stop, he'd tell me.

When I got to Chengdu, the message I sent read "Arrived in Chengdu. Will be here until December 3rd flight to Spain. Returning to Hainan on January 13th." And then, I stopped sending nightly messages. 

The response to a lack of nightly updates was the same as the response to nightly updates. That is to say, no response.

I keep trying to tell myself that being ignored is a good thing. I keep trying to tell myself that if they still suspected me of anything, I wouldn't be out on my bike having fun. But, even more so than during the actual Incident (when I was mostly just really really confused plus a large dollop of annoyance and anger), the rabbits of fear keep gnawing at my mind.

So I sent a question: "There's no problem with me leaving the country, is there?"

That got a response.

"Are you coming back to China? When are you coming back to China?"
"I'll be back in Hainan on January 13."
"Ok. Go. Stay safe."

Which is perhaps the best possible response I can get. And it did serve to get rid of those damn fear rabbits. Unfortunately, the cascading chain of "what ifs" seems to have invited themselves back into the holes left behind by the rabbits. And I'm in Chengdu. Where it's cold and gray and nasty and I don't really have any friends. Where the people I can talk to aren't people with whom I can discuss heavy stuff like this. Besides which, they want to discuss fun things like best places to get hotpot or whether or not it's worth going to see the Leshan Big Buddha while he's undergoing maintenance.